Renew Your View

Why blog about marriage? With so many books, experts, seminars, counselors, what can a simple couple offer to the masses about marriage? What makes you qualified to give advice?

Great questions.

My wife, Nelly, and I have been married for just over 7 years. In that short time we’ve been on a roller-coaster ride that would shake most couples. From life threatening diseases to crippling pains to talks of divorce, we have lived a life-time's worth of marriage challenges. We are a mixed family. My oldest daughter is my step, but I’ve raised her since she was 18 months. Nelly has auto-immune hepatitis. This disease has no known cure and requires constant treatment. I've recently wrestled with herniated discs causing pinched nerves - at times I cannot walk. We live in Texas; all of our family is in SoCal. During surgeries and emergency room visits, we either go alone (no spouse, no children) or find a babysitter with no notice. Our children are 9, 6, and 5; 2 girls and 1 boy. The little ones are 11 months apart. That in unto itself is challenging.

I can honestly say that I love my wife, I love my children, and I love the life that I have with them.

Our qualifications come strictly from experience. We have no degree in communications. We have not studied Relationship Psychology. We don't host seminars on the finer points of "How to be a Better Spouse." Our faith in God and our focus on the family have kept us strong and keep us thriving.

A few months ago while daydreaming about nothing I thought, "So many of our problems could be fixed if just won the lotto!" I'm sure I speak for the entire world when I say we’ve all had that thought at one time or another. This was not a spectacular or very original thought at all - but half a second later, a second thought hit me. "If we had all that money, we wouldn't know what it means to struggle financially. We wouldn't understand what it means to be in need. We wouldn't appreciate when people were generous towards us or what the true heart of generosity means." WOW - that was profound.

I explored that some more when the old saying of "When you have your health, you have it all" came to mind. After all that we had been through with my wife's disease, it would be easy to say, "Lord, I ask that you heal my wife and keep my children safe. Never let my family fall ill or have an injury. All of our problems would be solved if we were all in good health." Just as before, a second thought hit me. This time it was, "If Nelly never fell ill, if the kids never got hurt, how could you ever really understand compassion?"

No one likes to be challenged like this. Most like to sit comfortably in their lives and just ride it out. Most want to survive it all. Not me. Not my wife. Not our family.

I started this post explaining the struggles we have faced. Without them, we would not have the strong marriage that we have today. Some would look at those situations and wonder how anyone can live a normal life. We look at those same situations and are grateful for God strengthening our marriage.

Without each other, we would have fallen apart. If we looked at these as mountains that couldn't be overcome, we would have failed. We decided to change our outlook. We made a stand, together, that nothing could break our will to thrive.

The first practical lesson: Change your perspective. If things seem bad, look for the opportunity to grow in the situation. If you have money problems, you'll know what generosity truly means. If the issue is with health, then you will have a firsthand view of compassion. If arguments are more frequent than they should be, develop a kind heart.

Reflect on possibilities not on your perceived realities