I was at the office when a friend stopped by to chat. He had been traveling for work and his schedule was harsh. He was on the road 5 to 6 days a week and it was now impacting his personal life – his relationship with his wife and children.
He began to lay out the familiar circumstance and ensuing argument when I said, “Oh, Nelly and I just had that fight last week.” He paused. A look of relief washed over his face and he replied, “You and Nelly fight? You guys seem like the ‘perfect’ couple.”
Fighting/arguing is not and easy discussion, especially when it concerns your marriage. Many newlyweds or soon-to-be’s have a false idea in that no fighting takes place in a happy marriage. We are not talking about abuse; we are talking about a healthy, passionate discussion reflecting our differences. Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female…? We are different from the core of which we are made. It is normal to not agree on everything. Let me say that again: It is normal to disagree.
It is in the manner in which we handle these disagreements that determines the health of our relationship.
Nelly frequently says “You have to learn how to fight.” As simple as this sounds, it has a profound impact. Learning how to fight says a few things:
- I understand that arguments will happen
- You are important enough to me that I’m willing to listen
- You are important enough to me that I won’t willfully hurt you
To set the ground rules for arguments, you will need to tell each other what really hurts, what makes you feel disrespected, what makes you feel unloved. You will be standing completely exposed to your spouse when you have this talk. You must be pettiness aside. If you cannot do these things, you will not gain anything from this and will most likely spark a new argument.
To be able to say “you hurt my feelings when …” or “it makes me feel…” isn’t a natural response. When we are hurt or feel attacked, human nature says that we go on the defensive. That we do what we can to make that other person hurt. This is true even when the “attack” wasn’t intentional. Husbands and wives don’t wake up thinking how they can hurt or demean their spouse. Most fights are born out of misunderstanding.
It is usually at this point that men will say “I’m not going to say that! I’m a man! I’m not going to say my feelings are hurt!” My response is simple. It takes a much stronger man to admit his feelings and work on his marriage than to suffer in silence or lash out.
It takes work to be married. Disagreements will happen. We need to be prepared when they do so that we are not caught in a cycle. I have heard of far too many married couples that won’t talk for days at a time. Tomorrow is not promised. I almost lost my wife in a single night. It is not enough to say that in 3-4 days we’ll get over it.
Nelly and I don’t have a perfect marriage; we have a strong relationship with God that allows us to have a strong relationship with each other.
Practical Lesson: Set your ground rules over a dinner date. Let each other know what’s off-limits and how certain phrases/actions deflate you or enrage you. This should be a calm, mature discussion. This is not a session to attack your spouse. The easiest way to defuse an argument is by starting your sentence with “it makes me feel…” This puts the focus on you and your feelings and not the actions or words of your spouse.
I pray that some of you try this. This one little technique has radically changed our marriage and is one of the reasons that we keep going strong.
