Rules of Engagement

I was at the office when a friend stopped by to chat. He had been traveling for work and his schedule was harsh. He was on the road 5 to 6 days a week and it was now impacting his personal life – his relationship with his wife and children.

He began to lay out the familiar circumstance and ensuing argument when I said, “Oh, Nelly and I just had that fight last week.” He paused. A look of relief washed over his face and he replied, “You and Nelly fight? You guys seem like the ‘perfect’ couple.”

Fighting/arguing is not and easy discussion, especially when it concerns your marriage. Many newlyweds or soon-to-be’s have a false idea in that no fighting takes place in a happy marriage. We are not talking about abuse; we are talking about a healthy, passionate discussion reflecting our differences. Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female…? We are different from the core of which we are made. It is normal to not agree on everything. Let me say that again: It is normal to disagree.

It is in the manner in which we handle these disagreements that determines the health of our relationship.

Nelly frequently says “You have to learn how to fight.” As simple as this sounds, it has a profound impact. Learning how to fight says a few things:

1. I understand that arguments will happen
2. You are important enough to me that I’m willing to listen
3. You are important enough to me that I won’t willfully hurt you

Learning to fight has to happen when you and your spouse can peacefully talk through some issues. During the heat of the battle is not the time to work on a strategy. When you’re enjoying each other, on a date, or just in a good mood together are the right times to have this discussion. Like most things in marriage, it will not be easy.

To set the ground rules for arguments, you will need to tell each other what really hurts, what makes you feel disrespected, what makes you feel unloved. You will be standing completely exposed to your spouse when you have this talk. You must be pettiness aside. If you cannot do these things, you will not gain anything from this and will most likely spark a new argument.

To be able to say “you hurt my feelings when …” or “it makes me feel…” isn’t a natural response. When we are hurt or feel attacked, human nature says that we go on the defensive. That we do what we can to make that other person hurt. This is true even when the “attack” wasn’t intentional. Husbands and wives don’t wake up thinking how they can hurt or demean their spouse. Most fights are born out of misunderstanding.

It is usually at this point that men will say “I’m not going to say that! I’m a man! I’m not going to say my feelings are hurt!” My response is simple. It takes a much stronger man to admit his feelings and work on his marriage than to suffer in silence or lash out.

It takes work to be married. Disagreements will happen. We need to be prepared when they do so that we are not caught in a cycle. I have heard of far too many married couples that won’t talk for days at a time. Tomorrow is not promised. I almost lost my wife in a single night. It is not enough to say that in 3-4 days we’ll get over it.

Nelly and I don’t have a perfect marriage; we have a strong relationship with God that allows us to have a strong relationship with each other.

Practical Lesson: Set your ground rules over a dinner date. Let each other know what’s off-limits and how certain phrases/actions deflate you or enrage you. This should be a calm, mature discussion. This is not a session to attack your spouse. The easiest way to defuse an argument is by starting your sentence with “it makes me feel…” This puts the focus on you and your feelings and not the actions or words of your spouse.

I pray that some of you try this. This one little technique has radically changed our marriage and is one of the reasons that we keep going strong.

Renew Your View

Why blog about marriage? With so many books, experts, seminars, counselors, what can a simple couple offer to the masses about marriage? What makes you qualified to give advice?

Great questions.

My wife, Nelly, and I have been married for just over 7 years. In that short time we’ve been on a roller-coaster ride that would shake most couples. From life threatening diseases to crippling pains to talks of divorce, we have lived a life-time's worth of marriage challenges. We are a mixed family. My oldest daughter is my step, but I’ve raised her since she was 18 months. Nelly has auto-immune hepatitis. This disease has no known cure and requires constant treatment. I've recently wrestled with herniated discs causing pinched nerves - at times I cannot walk. We live in Texas; all of our family is in SoCal. During surgeries and emergency room visits, we either go alone (no spouse, no children) or find a babysitter with no notice. Our children are 9, 6, and 5; 2 girls and 1 boy. The little ones are 11 months apart. That in unto itself is challenging.

I can honestly say that I love my wife, I love my children, and I love the life that I have with them.

Our qualifications come strictly from experience. We have no degree in communications. We have not studied Relationship Psychology. We don't host seminars on the finer points of "How to be a Better Spouse." Our faith in God and our focus on the family have kept us strong and keep us thriving.

A few months ago while daydreaming about nothing I thought, "So many of our problems could be fixed if just won the lotto!" I'm sure I speak for the entire world when I say we’ve all had that thought at one time or another. This was not a spectacular or very original thought at all - but half a second later, a second thought hit me. "If we had all that money, we wouldn't know what it means to struggle financially. We wouldn't understand what it means to be in need. We wouldn't appreciate when people were generous towards us or what the true heart of generosity means." WOW - that was profound.

I explored that some more when the old saying of "When you have your health, you have it all" came to mind. After all that we had been through with my wife's disease, it would be easy to say, "Lord, I ask that you heal my wife and keep my children safe. Never let my family fall ill or have an injury. All of our problems would be solved if we were all in good health." Just as before, a second thought hit me. This time it was, "If Nelly never fell ill, if the kids never got hurt, how could you ever really understand compassion?"

No one likes to be challenged like this. Most like to sit comfortably in their lives and just ride it out. Most want to survive it all. Not me. Not my wife. Not our family.

I started this post explaining the struggles we have faced. Without them, we would not have the strong marriage that we have today. Some would look at those situations and wonder how anyone can live a normal life. We look at those same situations and are grateful for God strengthening our marriage.

Without each other, we would have fallen apart. If we looked at these as mountains that couldn't be overcome, we would have failed. We decided to change our outlook. We made a stand, together, that nothing could break our will to thrive.

The first practical lesson: Change your perspective. If things seem bad, look for the opportunity to grow in the situation. If you have money problems, you'll know what generosity truly means. If the issue is with health, then you will have a firsthand view of compassion. If arguments are more frequent than they should be, develop a kind heart.

Reflect on possibilities not on your perceived realities